Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
