Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
