I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
