i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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