just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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