I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
