Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
