She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
