I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
