I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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