Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I believe in your delicious
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
