I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
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I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
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Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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