She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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