The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
