I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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