Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
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i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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