Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
