Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
