her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I need to calm my uterus...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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