Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
After last night, I could never be a politician.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
