someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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