Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
