i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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