Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
