a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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