Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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