Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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