i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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