just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
