hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
