So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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