A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
