im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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