My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
