i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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