you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
God I need to hump something, right now.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
