YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
