whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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