he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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