There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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