My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
