take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
