we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
