Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
