I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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