She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
