I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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