Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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