Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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