My hand turned me down
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
