hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm just crazy horny about you
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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