wrigley field is MILF paradise
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
