My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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