i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
